Is that really true? I come here to muse, usually depressingly, but now i'm curious in addition in a dark sort of way. We all know of people- famous or near us- who are just pure evil and don't seem to get what they to deserve. But dare it be possible that "nature craves all dues rendered to their owners?" did i even get that quote right? lol.
i think women realize far earlier than men that life is more pleasant when you connect with people. and for a lot of people (women in particular), connecting means acoomodating. it means getting them a hot plate of food (mom) or bringing sancks to class (phoebe) or opening your house for a yard sale (frances) or just doing general favorable things. men realize this later, which is approximately/hopefully when they begin to take care of their families. and i suppose the bitterness everyone holds- particualrly the viscious bitchiness women can have- shows how hard all of that can be.
i know that sacrificing yourself is wrong. sometimes i still wonder if i err in that area. but i don't teach because i'm doing it "for the children". i mean, that's part of the reason, but not in an idiotic way. i do it because i'm good at it, and because i enjoy it, and it's conducive to family life which is my ultimate goal. and those are damn good reasons that i can back up more than ever now.
anyway, i guess i was just wondering if people really do get what they deserve. i mean dad's sick an dmiserable....i even worry he'll just go ape shit crazy one day lol. but even if he does something horrible to us, he'd have it on his conscious forever and the entire town would remember him as an awful man. and he would hate that lol.
i wonder.....all the good things i've done thus far, for everyone from pedro to steph and mom? am i repaying my massive debts of being a teenage nightmare and a little bitch of a tease and a horrible friend? how's my karmatic credit, man in the sky? i'm hoping that i've paid it all off and i'm earning some to store. Maybe my reward is in that pure feeling of a clean conscious when I drive to school and see birds fly overhead, listening to a vaguely comforting/inspirational song.
who knows, eh?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Airplanes are shooting stars
Sometimes it helps when I know I'm writing TO someone.
This is one of those moments when I let down my guard, when a stupid show like Lost has a heartwrenching scene (when Jin and Sun drown together, holding hands) and I feel completely vulnerable. When I miss a friendship that I broke, when I question my decisions, and I lament the same old shit- how bored and trapped I am here, how I'm terrified at the future and I question if I've made the right decision everyday.
Why does prelaw haunt me so? Whenever my heart breaks because of something- whether its steph's bitchiness, or particular distance from mom, or anything- i think about law again. it's such a tempting path, to bury my heart in the ground and become a totally different person.
But deep down I know that it isn't the right decision. Two years ago I made a decision and decided that teaching could be a passion of mine. I already knew that going to Berkeley would poison my heart with ambition, and it did. It poisoned my heart in many ways.
I think about how far I've come. I no longer weep in the car, dressed in a hoodie with a broken heart. I control my classroom tiredly but with a firm hand. I know what I'm doing with my future.
I want to be better.
This is one of those moments when I let down my guard, when a stupid show like Lost has a heartwrenching scene (when Jin and Sun drown together, holding hands) and I feel completely vulnerable. When I miss a friendship that I broke, when I question my decisions, and I lament the same old shit- how bored and trapped I am here, how I'm terrified at the future and I question if I've made the right decision everyday.
Why does prelaw haunt me so? Whenever my heart breaks because of something- whether its steph's bitchiness, or particular distance from mom, or anything- i think about law again. it's such a tempting path, to bury my heart in the ground and become a totally different person.
But deep down I know that it isn't the right decision. Two years ago I made a decision and decided that teaching could be a passion of mine. I already knew that going to Berkeley would poison my heart with ambition, and it did. It poisoned my heart in many ways.
I think about how far I've come. I no longer weep in the car, dressed in a hoodie with a broken heart. I control my classroom tiredly but with a firm hand. I know what I'm doing with my future.
I want to be better.
Friday, April 30, 2010
This ain't goodbye...or is it?
I watched Rent again for the first time in years. I was slightly afraid, like with many other things, that it would have been ruined or changed for me because my idealism is so battered and bent. But I still teared up at all the same parts. I still wanted to dance and sing to the same parts. And towards the end, I was still filled with an unfailing hope that was incredibly reassuring and needed.
I will admit that I have ghosts. There are moments when I relive the darkest parts of my life- the times when henry and eric made fun of me, that awful night with adam, or dad......dark, dark memories that paralyze me and allow the light to be sucked out.
But I'm fighting it.
Today was my last lesson with Ivan. There was this precious moment where, as he was blasting cheesy techno from his cheesy godfather's gift, we sat on the couch cuddled next to each other for warmth, playing tic tac toe and hangman. and i couldn't help but grin.
I realized as I left that it was yet another valuable learning experience. I changed a little boy from a monster to a sweet little fellow that loves to read and says "thanks" and "excuse me". That is much more amazing than making millions of dollars.
When I first started teaching Ivan, I would let tears trickle down my face and allow myself to indulge in wallowing pain as I drove to his house, hurridly wiping my face when I pulled up to the place. But now, today, as I drove away I played Keith Urban: If ever I could love and I realized how far I've come.
It's been a boring, occasionally dramatic, relatively monotone few months. And although there are many times when I've writhed and raged against how bored I've been, I think in a way I needed it. I needed some serious quiet time like right now, sitting in my room and just thinking quietly....just being at peace. Safe from the world, safe from my past and my future....collecting myself. Healing. Coming to terms, digesting, accepting things.
That's what I've done, isn't it? I've accepted it. I still get angry and sad sometimes, but I'm trying really hard to forgive everyone- and mostly, to forgive myself. I'm not a saint, I'm not a Christian- I still wish a horrible death on a handful of people.
But my raging hate has simmered down to a echo of anger at the back of my heart. With the comfort of home, albeit how irritating and irksome and awfully dull it can be, the noxious poison has been drained from my soul. I've come to terms.
I've come to terms. Yeah...those are the words.
Ghosts exist. I will admit that. But I'm refusing to let them haunt me anymore.
I'm alright :)
I will admit that I have ghosts. There are moments when I relive the darkest parts of my life- the times when henry and eric made fun of me, that awful night with adam, or dad......dark, dark memories that paralyze me and allow the light to be sucked out.
But I'm fighting it.
Today was my last lesson with Ivan. There was this precious moment where, as he was blasting cheesy techno from his cheesy godfather's gift, we sat on the couch cuddled next to each other for warmth, playing tic tac toe and hangman. and i couldn't help but grin.
I realized as I left that it was yet another valuable learning experience. I changed a little boy from a monster to a sweet little fellow that loves to read and says "thanks" and "excuse me". That is much more amazing than making millions of dollars.
When I first started teaching Ivan, I would let tears trickle down my face and allow myself to indulge in wallowing pain as I drove to his house, hurridly wiping my face when I pulled up to the place. But now, today, as I drove away I played Keith Urban: If ever I could love and I realized how far I've come.
It's been a boring, occasionally dramatic, relatively monotone few months. And although there are many times when I've writhed and raged against how bored I've been, I think in a way I needed it. I needed some serious quiet time like right now, sitting in my room and just thinking quietly....just being at peace. Safe from the world, safe from my past and my future....collecting myself. Healing. Coming to terms, digesting, accepting things.
That's what I've done, isn't it? I've accepted it. I still get angry and sad sometimes, but I'm trying really hard to forgive everyone- and mostly, to forgive myself. I'm not a saint, I'm not a Christian- I still wish a horrible death on a handful of people.
But my raging hate has simmered down to a echo of anger at the back of my heart. With the comfort of home, albeit how irritating and irksome and awfully dull it can be, the noxious poison has been drained from my soul. I've come to terms.
I've come to terms. Yeah...those are the words.
Ghosts exist. I will admit that. But I'm refusing to let them haunt me anymore.
I'm alright :)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Anger
There was a grey's episode about how anger is one of the worst sins, because it doesn't only hurt yourself. Well, I disagree. Anger seems to hurt you the worst out of all people, especially if it won't go away.
Sometimes when I am triggered, I realize that there are A LOT of things to be angry about. Steph's hypocrisy and the whole niko episode...Mom and how she ruined our last years of innocence by being a maternal tyrant....Dad and how he is practically shaking to pounce on me at the slightest misstep because he hates how i humiliated him.....god, my entire family because of how unsupportive and misunderstanding they are about my career choice.
My old friends. Like how Jess seems to use me as an emotional crutch. Or worst of all, how Eric abandoned me during the worst time of my life and didn't rescue me when I desperately needed rescuing.
Sigh. There are a lot of things to be angry about.
But I have realized that all this anger only hurts me. And why should I indulge in something that is so masochistic? If it somehow hurt them, or got vengeance, that might be fair, but as far as I know they're all happily living their lives without a clue as to how I feel. I feel like that kindl yold man patient in Grey's (lol I miss Grey's) who seemed so nice but on his death bed, made all these bitchy tapes.
The point is, it's pointless. I could start yelling at each person I'm angry at, but realy what would it achieve except me getting lonelier and lonelier?
What's past is past. The worst insult you can give someone is not to hate them, but to dignify them as dead to you. Dad goes in that category, as the worst case. But as for Mom, Steph, Jess, and Eric....there was enough love and loyalty laced through all the anger that they're not dead to me. I still need them, I still need PEOPLE. I refuse to end up like my father- alone, delusional, and slightly insane.
I choose people. I choose the light, morality, and I guess I grudgingly choose a form of forgiveness where I don't really forgive people but I try to move past what doesn't matter anymore.
Sometimes when I am triggered, I realize that there are A LOT of things to be angry about. Steph's hypocrisy and the whole niko episode...Mom and how she ruined our last years of innocence by being a maternal tyrant....Dad and how he is practically shaking to pounce on me at the slightest misstep because he hates how i humiliated him.....god, my entire family because of how unsupportive and misunderstanding they are about my career choice.
My old friends. Like how Jess seems to use me as an emotional crutch. Or worst of all, how Eric abandoned me during the worst time of my life and didn't rescue me when I desperately needed rescuing.
Sigh. There are a lot of things to be angry about.
But I have realized that all this anger only hurts me. And why should I indulge in something that is so masochistic? If it somehow hurt them, or got vengeance, that might be fair, but as far as I know they're all happily living their lives without a clue as to how I feel. I feel like that kindl yold man patient in Grey's (lol I miss Grey's) who seemed so nice but on his death bed, made all these bitchy tapes.
The point is, it's pointless. I could start yelling at each person I'm angry at, but realy what would it achieve except me getting lonelier and lonelier?
What's past is past. The worst insult you can give someone is not to hate them, but to dignify them as dead to you. Dad goes in that category, as the worst case. But as for Mom, Steph, Jess, and Eric....there was enough love and loyalty laced through all the anger that they're not dead to me. I still need them, I still need PEOPLE. I refuse to end up like my father- alone, delusional, and slightly insane.
I choose people. I choose the light, morality, and I guess I grudgingly choose a form of forgiveness where I don't really forgive people but I try to move past what doesn't matter anymore.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
No drama
I feel like a lot of lines from various chick flicks and tv shows apply to my life. Like from "he's just not that into you", how the justin long character (and i still don't understand how he became famous from apple commercials) says "you chicks are addicted to drama!"
and i believe that is true.
a bit of good drama- excitement, that is- is healthy every now and then. admittedly my tendencies are towards the melancholy pining kind, and i'm glad i'm over that.
i know i'm not soulless, like sayid. i just feel very...blah. it's boring at home. but one bit that i admitted to jess was that, as angry as i am with my family, i know consciously and grudgingly that a lot of my anger is from my previous issues.
whatever. i'm so jittry right now, there's no way i'm going to sleep. bah. i really want to go to shanghai, to experience the streets/clubbing/night life craziness with good friends, and a teensy bit to see an old friend (admittedly) but i know that claremont is far more important. if i get in, i'll definitely go. and if i can't squeeze in the shanghai trip, then so be it.
yep...
and i believe that is true.
a bit of good drama- excitement, that is- is healthy every now and then. admittedly my tendencies are towards the melancholy pining kind, and i'm glad i'm over that.
i know i'm not soulless, like sayid. i just feel very...blah. it's boring at home. but one bit that i admitted to jess was that, as angry as i am with my family, i know consciously and grudgingly that a lot of my anger is from my previous issues.
whatever. i'm so jittry right now, there's no way i'm going to sleep. bah. i really want to go to shanghai, to experience the streets/clubbing/night life craziness with good friends, and a teensy bit to see an old friend (admittedly) but i know that claremont is far more important. if i get in, i'll definitely go. and if i can't squeeze in the shanghai trip, then so be it.
yep...
Monday, March 29, 2010
The dark counselor speaks
"your twenties are the most important time of your life," she said, a mysterious light- was it regret? anger? satisfaction?- twinkling dimly in her eyes. For a moment, the jet black suit and severe, condescending demeanor faltered.
"You make choices that will shape the rest of your life."
-
She sipped her whiskey sour, wincing slightly at the acidic tang of whiskey softened only slightly by sour mixture and lemon juice. Her sister and her friends were on her right; and old, rather annoying cockroach of a friend to her left. For a minute, a completely unremarkable minute, everything was still and straight out of a movie.
The TV screens were blaring various sports channels, which shimmered in neon hues on the shiny bar counter. There was an army of glistening alcoholic bottles lined up across from her, but she didn't notice. She stirred her drink, after she'd paid the check; oblivious to the sluts and after work crowd and hungry mongrel looking men- and smiled grimly.
College was over. Life was about to begin. She squared her shoulders, walked out of the bar and decided to face everything head on.
"You make choices that will shape the rest of your life."
-
She sipped her whiskey sour, wincing slightly at the acidic tang of whiskey softened only slightly by sour mixture and lemon juice. Her sister and her friends were on her right; and old, rather annoying cockroach of a friend to her left. For a minute, a completely unremarkable minute, everything was still and straight out of a movie.
The TV screens were blaring various sports channels, which shimmered in neon hues on the shiny bar counter. There was an army of glistening alcoholic bottles lined up across from her, but she didn't notice. She stirred her drink, after she'd paid the check; oblivious to the sluts and after work crowd and hungry mongrel looking men- and smiled grimly.
College was over. Life was about to begin. She squared her shoulders, walked out of the bar and decided to face everything head on.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Alexandre Desplat: The Meadow
"a secret place, of dreams and mystery, potential and mists and beauty shrouded in notes and words.."
I think I'm going to start writing a book.
Other than that...I had the weirdest dream. I met my daughter...or some dark eyed, curly haired girl that I knew was my daughter (she looked like the girl from Gone with the Wind). There was a baby boy too, and I was on some sort of mission to get them back...to win them back and correct my mistakes. And there was also something about a Korean supermarket and even Rhett Butler, playing some jokes, but the one part I remember is seeing my daughter and catching her in my arms in a fierce hug. And in that moment, I felt so much love, protectiveness, so much heart for her.
And when I woke up, when it was all dissipated and I was alone in my messy room, waking up to a messy house...I felt like I have not loved in awhile. My heart is not dead- not at the infantile age of 22- but it is pumping blood weakly, both literally and figuratively. The most love I have felt lately is a) when I saw my best friend up north and b) last night, post-tmv mini birthday reunion, when I realized that our newfound grownup bonds of "hey, so what have you been up to the past year?" is actually quite enjoyable.
My heart is scared. I have not arduously loved in a long time....in months, perhaps. The fire was quite effectively stamped out.
Hell. I'm scared. There are some days, after busy days like yesterdya....god what did I do. I had to make a study guide, correct Chris's friend's paper, mail some Claremont stuff in, teach, TMV dinner then the lame ass hangout at bar louie's....
There are some days when I have a bunch to do but all I want to do is hide at home, with the lights off, watchings stupid tv and listening to music and writing and/or reading and well...dwelling in daydreams. where the world is soft and safe and unviolated and quiet and dim....a wonderful place to seek shelter from all the madness outside.
I think I'm going to start writing a book.
Other than that...I had the weirdest dream. I met my daughter...or some dark eyed, curly haired girl that I knew was my daughter (she looked like the girl from Gone with the Wind). There was a baby boy too, and I was on some sort of mission to get them back...to win them back and correct my mistakes. And there was also something about a Korean supermarket and even Rhett Butler, playing some jokes, but the one part I remember is seeing my daughter and catching her in my arms in a fierce hug. And in that moment, I felt so much love, protectiveness, so much heart for her.
And when I woke up, when it was all dissipated and I was alone in my messy room, waking up to a messy house...I felt like I have not loved in awhile. My heart is not dead- not at the infantile age of 22- but it is pumping blood weakly, both literally and figuratively. The most love I have felt lately is a) when I saw my best friend up north and b) last night, post-tmv mini birthday reunion, when I realized that our newfound grownup bonds of "hey, so what have you been up to the past year?" is actually quite enjoyable.
My heart is scared. I have not arduously loved in a long time....in months, perhaps. The fire was quite effectively stamped out.
Hell. I'm scared. There are some days, after busy days like yesterdya....god what did I do. I had to make a study guide, correct Chris's friend's paper, mail some Claremont stuff in, teach, TMV dinner then the lame ass hangout at bar louie's....
There are some days when I have a bunch to do but all I want to do is hide at home, with the lights off, watchings stupid tv and listening to music and writing and/or reading and well...dwelling in daydreams. where the world is soft and safe and unviolated and quiet and dim....a wonderful place to seek shelter from all the madness outside.
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