Sometimes it helps when I know I'm writing TO someone.
This is one of those moments when I let down my guard, when a stupid show like Lost has a heartwrenching scene (when Jin and Sun drown together, holding hands) and I feel completely vulnerable. When I miss a friendship that I broke, when I question my decisions, and I lament the same old shit- how bored and trapped I am here, how I'm terrified at the future and I question if I've made the right decision everyday.
Why does prelaw haunt me so? Whenever my heart breaks because of something- whether its steph's bitchiness, or particular distance from mom, or anything- i think about law again. it's such a tempting path, to bury my heart in the ground and become a totally different person.
But deep down I know that it isn't the right decision. Two years ago I made a decision and decided that teaching could be a passion of mine. I already knew that going to Berkeley would poison my heart with ambition, and it did. It poisoned my heart in many ways.
I think about how far I've come. I no longer weep in the car, dressed in a hoodie with a broken heart. I control my classroom tiredly but with a firm hand. I know what I'm doing with my future.
I want to be better.
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