The bittersweet semi ending of TMV

I guess this is mostly from my personal point of view, but I'm only just realizing that TMV is beginning to disintegrate. Or more accurately, it has been disintegrating for a long time.

What kind of friends see each other only once every few weeks? What kind of friends don't tell each other the truth, give each other glossed over prettified answers to deep questions, and almost refuse to honestly fight about anything? What kind of friends back off and keep their distance except when some shit really goes down?

What kind of friends are cold and polite all the time?

Not the kind I want.

I am no longer the stormy, histrionic adolescent who leaves the facebook group and posts a ranty blog post. Well, I guess I'm still writing a ranty blog post- albeit a bit more privately on a "secret" blog- but hey, I've made progress.

I have enough perspetive to know that bridges needn't be burnt unless absolutely necessary. Case in point, henry. We are fire and water and when they collide, hot lethal steam is made. Lol I wouldn't say it's that romantically volatile; he's just not good for me. I had that strange, frighteningly powerful infatuation of him and it seems that it's better if I just keep him at arm's length.

I guess I'm a little butt hurt that the facebook thing turned out the way it did. Yes, i wrote a lecturey, emotional post but I was doing what i assumed close friends did. Mel's reaction- and frannie's snide delayed one- speaks of a hurtful, condescending, distant manner as if I wasn't entitled to get mad. As if we aren't really friends and it wasn't appropriate for me to express honest, raw feelings.

I guess that's the case. I don't like friends who treat me like that, nor do I want them. And this is cheesy, but I want sex and the city friends who glance beneath exteriors and jobs and ask more than that...girls with whom you can talk about anything- and i do mean anything- who know who you are and love you for it. Sisterhood of the traveling pants style. I guess I'm a little jealous of conlo, who is so goodhearted and who was there for so much of it that I'd say she is Miss Congeniality of our group.

Well. I'll go for the Christmas dinners, the occasional brunch and I do like seeing Frances and Connie who are probably the closest I have to true friends- at least in my book. I think there was a period where we really forced it- where I personally forced it- and I'd come home from outings hurt and slightly confused because I wasn't feeling the warm, toasty goodness of true friendship.

Well. C'est le verite. Now I know- not only that, but I've accepted the truth. TMV is gone. high school- even college- is over. There's no point pretending that we're all cozy bosom buddies because we're not. I'll take it for what it is, really.

What is happiness?

Happiness is a perfectly made cup of cafe mocha, topped with whipped cream which silkily blends with the chocolate for a yummy, creamy product of bitterness, sweetness, and coffee. Happiness is finally getting one of the nice little cushioned wall tables facing the street, listening to soft reggae, knowing that I'm getting ahead in my work and also finding a bit of company in a small anonymous coffee shop.

Happiness is wearing my favorite ring, a light spritz of my favorite Gap body perfume, my favorite white t-shirt and stretchy jeans and flip flops, and just sitting here- undisturbed by the world, being mildly productive, and feeling safe and content with this very moment of chilled air conditioner, light background noise of a coffee shop, and my lovely steady interneted laptop.

I thought it was about time for a happy entry here.