Here are my wishes

Wishes that are sincere, that include happiness and not too much ambition. Wishes that come from the bottom of my heart.

I wish for happiness and health, not just for myself but also for those I love like Mom, Steph, Laulau and Uncle Kenny and my dearest friends.

For myself...my wish can't really be articulated into words. Well okay lol, it's not that corny...I know what I want. I want a fantastic boyfriend who is semi attractive, intelligent, hilarious, and utterly loyal and gentle to me. I wish that boyfriend turns into a wonderful husband and we have a marriage akin to the Greats, like Mcdreamy and Meredith, Haley and Nathan, hell Bella and Edward (lol) or maybe a little more down to earth, like the Joes. I want kids with my husband who I raise well, so that they are polite, wise, responsible, and wonderful people. I wish that my teaching career settles into a comfortable skin that I stop trying to shrug off, and progresses and blossoms into a PhD or admin or something greater in the far future.

I wish for love, and happiness. I wish to find my better half, and not just settle for some semi decent fellow who can keep me somewhat warm but someone who is truly a wonderful match for me, a la Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth. So I guess, in short, I wish for true love....a great, warming love that makes me the best version of me, the happpiest version of me, and I do the same for him.

I wish for a beautiful house in a beautiful town- Arcadia, Temple City, somewhere near here- where I raise my family and am near family and friends. I wish for this.

What is God?

God is in the small spaces, the pauses in music that make the song something extraordinary.

God is the small kindnesses in everyday life, whether it be carrot cake, a quick smile, or a genuine how are you.

God is sailing in a small wooden fishing boat in the Bahia de Los Angeles at 6 in the morning, the water smooth as glass and reflecting the early, gentle light of dawn so that all the world seems to be a gentle mirror of just the lightest tints of gold and blue.

I may not be Christian, but I certainly am religious.

The bittersweet semi ending of TMV

I guess this is mostly from my personal point of view, but I'm only just realizing that TMV is beginning to disintegrate. Or more accurately, it has been disintegrating for a long time.

What kind of friends see each other only once every few weeks? What kind of friends don't tell each other the truth, give each other glossed over prettified answers to deep questions, and almost refuse to honestly fight about anything? What kind of friends back off and keep their distance except when some shit really goes down?

What kind of friends are cold and polite all the time?

Not the kind I want.

I am no longer the stormy, histrionic adolescent who leaves the facebook group and posts a ranty blog post. Well, I guess I'm still writing a ranty blog post- albeit a bit more privately on a "secret" blog- but hey, I've made progress.

I have enough perspetive to know that bridges needn't be burnt unless absolutely necessary. Case in point, henry. We are fire and water and when they collide, hot lethal steam is made. Lol I wouldn't say it's that romantically volatile; he's just not good for me. I had that strange, frighteningly powerful infatuation of him and it seems that it's better if I just keep him at arm's length.

I guess I'm a little butt hurt that the facebook thing turned out the way it did. Yes, i wrote a lecturey, emotional post but I was doing what i assumed close friends did. Mel's reaction- and frannie's snide delayed one- speaks of a hurtful, condescending, distant manner as if I wasn't entitled to get mad. As if we aren't really friends and it wasn't appropriate for me to express honest, raw feelings.

I guess that's the case. I don't like friends who treat me like that, nor do I want them. And this is cheesy, but I want sex and the city friends who glance beneath exteriors and jobs and ask more than that...girls with whom you can talk about anything- and i do mean anything- who know who you are and love you for it. Sisterhood of the traveling pants style. I guess I'm a little jealous of conlo, who is so goodhearted and who was there for so much of it that I'd say she is Miss Congeniality of our group.

Well. I'll go for the Christmas dinners, the occasional brunch and I do like seeing Frances and Connie who are probably the closest I have to true friends- at least in my book. I think there was a period where we really forced it- where I personally forced it- and I'd come home from outings hurt and slightly confused because I wasn't feeling the warm, toasty goodness of true friendship.

Well. C'est le verite. Now I know- not only that, but I've accepted the truth. TMV is gone. high school- even college- is over. There's no point pretending that we're all cozy bosom buddies because we're not. I'll take it for what it is, really.

What is happiness?

Happiness is a perfectly made cup of cafe mocha, topped with whipped cream which silkily blends with the chocolate for a yummy, creamy product of bitterness, sweetness, and coffee. Happiness is finally getting one of the nice little cushioned wall tables facing the street, listening to soft reggae, knowing that I'm getting ahead in my work and also finding a bit of company in a small anonymous coffee shop.

Happiness is wearing my favorite ring, a light spritz of my favorite Gap body perfume, my favorite white t-shirt and stretchy jeans and flip flops, and just sitting here- undisturbed by the world, being mildly productive, and feeling safe and content with this very moment of chilled air conditioner, light background noise of a coffee shop, and my lovely steady interneted laptop.

I thought it was about time for a happy entry here.

Ifonly you existed

I realized just now that it helps if you think you're writing TO someone. which is pretty cruel, considering that it proves how much people need people- and yet in my early 20's, in a suburban place, it seems like we need to learn the painful lesson of how to be content alone.

I don't know what to do. It's late, and I'm tired, and just like I told Mom- I want a magic answer. I want a sparkling perfectly wrapped solution to all my problems- if someone isn't going to give me a job, then at least tell me the best path for me.

What was it in Bedazzled? George asked why God couldn't make everything perfect, and the Devil responded that God wanted people to have a choice. To choose to be good or evil.

Well, okay, I agree with the choice part. But what about the rewards part? What about being recognized for the good you do? I am one of the best young teachers out there- this i know for a fact- and yet I'm not getting any job offers.

Am I supposed to keep fighting? Is this how it is, when you feel passionately for something that has a lot of downsides, and you have to keep sturggling and sobbing onwards? I thought I learned that was wrong? I did that in my relationships and it was wrong. Is it true for work? And besides, even if I do win the battles, at the end of the road is no Paradise- it's a classroom full of unruly teenagers who don't give a shit, and who would much rather be somewhere else.

I think...the reason why people end up where they end up is because at the end of the day, no matter how much I try to believe that we're all equal and everyone has a chance, communism doesn't exist. Equality is near impossible. There will always be the guy at the top, the guy on the bottom, and everyone in between.

That's why people frowned when I said I'd teach high school. Because they expected more. Well, it's also because it's not a respectable profession- that's probably the reason for most of the people my age. But for dad, laulau, and even mom, it's because they expected more.

Because they thought I deserve more.

I don't think it was until this moment that I really understood how they must have felt. Their talented, intelligent daughter was settling for mediocrity.

Is that really what I want?

For awhile, I thought it was. I was thinking these past few months that I'd outsmarted them all- that I'm smart enough NOT to choose law or medicine, and instead to choose something that will make me happy.

But the world proved me wrong. The world...fate....the U.S. economy....proved me wrong. And I'll try not to be egotistical about this. I know, and feel bad for all the people who have it worse. Phoebe's family is depending on her to be successful, because they picked up and moved for her. And although Melissa-Justine/Monica are all relatively happy and unharmed, there are a lot of families out there who need that teaching job but can't get it.

People don't go hungry in the U.S. But their college money runs out. Their fridges look scantier. They don't take vacations as much, and they feel a lingering fear, a gripping and tiring tightness in the back of their minds. We act like the economic crisis is over, but I'm only starting to feel the consequences.

The reason why smart people tend to end up more successful is because they know better. Because the theory of evolution and...what was it called? Natural tendencies? People fit certain niches. There are people who were MEANT to be doctors, people meant to be rich- people meant to be poor, to be farmers or laborers for their entire lives.

There are exceptions of course.

But it's late so I'll get to the point.

Right now, having worked my ass off, all I've gotten is being laughed in the face by several people and no job offers whatsoever. I didn't get what I wanted. So I choose another plan. I think of other ideas. Right now I want out, because the program is costing me more than I'm willing to give.

I was never sure about graduate school for English. But I don't want to switch gears into Anthropology, and I've avoided admitting to Business/Econ so far so why not continue? The law school ship is slowly sailing away in the far distance, and the medical ship is but a mere speck on the horizon.

What does it take to make me happy?

Being busy, feeling in control, eating pretty well, having people around me, and enjoying a good mix of friends and peaceful solitary reflection.

I would love to save the world.

But I'm pretty sure I can't.

What I want to do right now, is drop out of Claremont, and then go on the Oxford program in the spring. Then I'll go to NYU, or BU, or Washington University or some school in a lushly urban place, immerse myself in literature and intellectual challenge again, and spend 4 -5 years enjoying the graduate life. By the time i'm 28 or 29, I will have a p.h.D. and be teaching in a school somewhere. Throughout my life, I will continue to teach and I will continue to progress- I'll develop a proper non profit someday, like a literacy program or some kind of organization that benefits a community high in need. Somewhere in there, I'll fall in love, and build a family with someone wonderful.

You know what I've realized?

I never really understood a lot of the things I wanted. I wanted recognition, and "true love", and a 1950's family. But now....I see that I was chasing phantoms. I never knew how much hard work these things took, or how badly they could turn out.

What do I want still?

I want friends. I want a change of scenery, and I want to really start my life- REALLY start living, sans drama, sans pcc shit, sans all of the bullshit I'm mired in right now. I was weak, and broken, and I fell into teaching. Maybe it's time I really stood up, walked out t he door, an d started living life again.

Maybe.

sometimes you get the feeling that you want to hold onto the threads of the past. so for no good reason, you look back and grasp onto things- twitter, blogs, even an old dusty picture or something as lowly as facebook stalking- just so you could feel that faint pulse of an old connection to someone.

i'm lonely.

and that's when bad things tend to happen, because i make bad decisions- slowly or quickly- and sooner or later it becomes a clusterf*k of drama and hurt feelings. So at least this time, lol, I know to be good. I know what I have to do. I know that this new obsession with food, and pleasure in soft blankets and hot showers is my sensual catharsis at lack of ahem for a very long time.

but is it really a bad thing?

i know myself better than before. much better. i can draw myself back from depression, unless it's really bad.

i guess what i realized today is that i've been punishing myself, feeling glum and gloomy because my plans didn't work out. which is a rarity, and even more so depressing.

but then i thought...why should i be sad? can't be i be done with my masochistic tendencies and try to enjoy this time? although living on my own was enjoyable, here....the fridge is always stocked to bursting. and as unrelatable as mom is, she's always loving and supportive no matter how grouchy or awful i am. in fact, i can't remember the last time she snapped at me- even if i've been taking out my frustration on her for days.

i know my tone is a little mad men, but i guess....

i grasp at strings. i want to remember, and strangely honor the saga that i endured....because he was one of the people who didn't necessarily know me completely, but who i wrote on my list of people closest to my heart. so it's worth remembering. it's worth digging up dusty paragraphs and internet stalking because i need to remember that it happened- that it was important to me, that it was awful, but it doesn't really matter if it was awful or un-awful it just matters that it happens.

i need to know that i've lived.

because sometimes, when life is full of gray and failure i need to remember that i have a past and i'm still in motion, moving forward.

Besame Mucho

What I've found is that being an adult- being responsible, etc.- actually has its perks. Having a clean, neat room makes me feel less stressed, just plain feels cleaner. Being early feels responsible, less nerve wracking, and rather pleasant. And not procrastinating is just plain rational.

I think (and I hope) that I'm slowly transforming into a type A personality.

Anyway, tonight was alright. Today, actually, was okay. I felt grumpy, and resentful, and awkward...but then I realized surprisingly that I might just be beginning to accept myself. So what if I'm shy and awkward around new people? Americans may praise extrovertedness but that doesn't necessarily mean being introverted means you'd be exiled.

I like who I am. I try to appreciate who I am- all my dark secrets, solitary hours, and unfortunate quirks, and raging tempers and impatient bits- and I think that's essential to learning how to be happy.

During evenings like these, when I'm alone, it is very useful and pleasant to peacefully and contentedly spend time with yourself- smoothing on fragrant sweet pea lotion, watching TV lazily, just enjoying my own company.

Definitely a good skill. A rare peaceful night.