An almond roca latte post

I figure not all these posts should be emo, and sometimes I just feel like coming here- to a safer, more secret place to think.

Well I would study more spanish but I'm tired. I'm getting close to that moment of "ah, I understand!" when the curtain lifts and you know you're sitting inside a language. But it's hard, because I'm lazy lately and I can barely get up off my ass to teach a class everyday, which is surprisingly exhausting.

I guess...what I came here to say is that despite this blog's name, I'm still deciding where to live. Some days, particularly after I'm very hurt or upset, I declare war on the world and decide to live with practicality. It's law school, cold hard bitch status and I'ma do whatever I can do to give me and ONLY me a comfortable life.

Then, on most days, when I'm tired and hurt and weary of the world, I decide to dwell in dreams...in "the secret life of daydreams" lol. I read books, I contemplate a phD in English, or maybe just contenting myself with life as a teacher, and a hobby of languages an dliterature, and then happily floating into family life whenever that may come along.

I don't know. I think I'm making my choice. I don't know if I like it. I know I will be forever resentful and bitter of glittery, luxurious department stores that I pass. I know it will be hard if I go shopping with wealthy friends and/or siblings (cough steph crhsia nd jess) and realize that I am not livin gin their world.

But i hope to God that I will also realize that a couture sequined dress is worth considerably less than being a great mother and human being. There are very few people who have their cake and eat it too- those who are rich and happy and in the family way- and I for one, after learning that happiness is only true when shared...well...

Right now, I'm envisioning Claremont. I'm scared of not getting UCLA. If I do, I should obviously go, despite the extra year and the lack of stipend/immediate employment which would be lovely. Because with a better degree, that means better jobs. I can see myself working as a college counselor or something of that sort.

But...I see a winding white staircase iwth sunlight. A small but comfortable room of my own- what I've wanted, symbolically, emotionally, and intellectually for so long. Filled with a nice soft bed, a wonderful practical desk, and of course my beloved books and maybe a few nice framed pictures and posters. And then a clean, bright kitchen. and a cozy living area. hoping my good roommate luck continues.

bah. we'll see...