The first revolutionary un-emo revelation

Usually I come here to spout about how sad and lonely I am. And although today, I am still sad and lonely- playing love songs occasionally to soothe the hurt, or curling up in bed practically cringing from the pain of sleeping alone- I have a revelation.

I once said and still say that people don't change. But this rule, like all others, is apparently broken as well.

Because I have changed.

Whereas I used to throw myself into the arms of practically any guy- and I do find it amusing how some people thought I was so above it all, and pure, and pretty- now I have a newfound coldness that I am proud of...that delights me. I look deep into D's eyes, and feel him- even incredibly rich, hurt him- flicker with interest. I smile at B and see the interest in his eyes.

But worst of all, when Creeper ims me I can coldly tell him yes, I AM busy all weekend and then sign off feeling vaguely satisfied.

Before it was just high school silliness. I would say no to a boy and feel a slight shiver of egotism. but now, there's a cruelty to it that I don't understand.

Some days, like today, I am perfectly fine. I teach my classes decently dressed, better and cleaner than I've looked in years, and I come home and take a nice hot shower and take pleasure in small creature comforts like nice smelling lotion and refreshing face toner.

Some times, I realize that I lost my best friend, I was abused emotionally and physically by a man I truly loved, my mother and sister are the biggest hypocrites I've ever met and my father is more violently estranged from me than ever.

But somehow, I feel fine. Disasters make or break people, and mine..well. I was broken, and it forced me to make myself. It took some shallow things like clothing and a 75 dollar haircut, and lots of baking and such- but by God, I made myself again. I stood back up on my feet. Not with the help of silly egotistical men, nor with best friends- but in that quiet, tranquil blessed apartment on Benvenue...in my quiet, surprisingly neat room, I rebuilt myself. I learned to live with my sins and my victories.

I am stronger now. Colder. Whereas before, most of my strength was stored in an emergency box where I could be fantastic in times of disaster, I have a new strength- a thicker skin, if you will- and I'm glad for it.

But I have one more confession to make before I go to sleep.

Despite all my cycnicisms, despite how hard I try to make light of my hurts- or how I brag about how I survived them- despite EVERYTHING....there is still a small gleaming piece of romanticism in my heart. I read Gone with the Wind and I feel exhilirated, inhabiting Scarlet's passionate adored skin temporarily. I cringe at most love songs, but occasionally I hear one and something moves in my heart.

It's incredible isn't it, the human spirit? Despite everything that's happened, despite all my masochism and the betrayals and hurts and lies and wounds I have accrued, some that make me feel like my skin is flayed to the bone, I lie here and I can still dream about the day I marry a man.

And by damn, won't I be a fantastic wife. Or a girlfriend. I have my cold hard cruelties, but if I were to really truly healthily love? Think occasional baked goods, an amazing sex life, and an intelligent down to earth wife who is everything a man ever wanted.

Well.

Aren't I a catch. lol. The trouble now is finding someone who can prove my past mistakes wrong.

So I guess what Im trying to say is that I have changed. And I have survived. And that despite everything, I still have hope.