Ifonly you existed

I realized just now that it helps if you think you're writing TO someone. which is pretty cruel, considering that it proves how much people need people- and yet in my early 20's, in a suburban place, it seems like we need to learn the painful lesson of how to be content alone.

I don't know what to do. It's late, and I'm tired, and just like I told Mom- I want a magic answer. I want a sparkling perfectly wrapped solution to all my problems- if someone isn't going to give me a job, then at least tell me the best path for me.

What was it in Bedazzled? George asked why God couldn't make everything perfect, and the Devil responded that God wanted people to have a choice. To choose to be good or evil.

Well, okay, I agree with the choice part. But what about the rewards part? What about being recognized for the good you do? I am one of the best young teachers out there- this i know for a fact- and yet I'm not getting any job offers.

Am I supposed to keep fighting? Is this how it is, when you feel passionately for something that has a lot of downsides, and you have to keep sturggling and sobbing onwards? I thought I learned that was wrong? I did that in my relationships and it was wrong. Is it true for work? And besides, even if I do win the battles, at the end of the road is no Paradise- it's a classroom full of unruly teenagers who don't give a shit, and who would much rather be somewhere else.

I think...the reason why people end up where they end up is because at the end of the day, no matter how much I try to believe that we're all equal and everyone has a chance, communism doesn't exist. Equality is near impossible. There will always be the guy at the top, the guy on the bottom, and everyone in between.

That's why people frowned when I said I'd teach high school. Because they expected more. Well, it's also because it's not a respectable profession- that's probably the reason for most of the people my age. But for dad, laulau, and even mom, it's because they expected more.

Because they thought I deserve more.

I don't think it was until this moment that I really understood how they must have felt. Their talented, intelligent daughter was settling for mediocrity.

Is that really what I want?

For awhile, I thought it was. I was thinking these past few months that I'd outsmarted them all- that I'm smart enough NOT to choose law or medicine, and instead to choose something that will make me happy.

But the world proved me wrong. The world...fate....the U.S. economy....proved me wrong. And I'll try not to be egotistical about this. I know, and feel bad for all the people who have it worse. Phoebe's family is depending on her to be successful, because they picked up and moved for her. And although Melissa-Justine/Monica are all relatively happy and unharmed, there are a lot of families out there who need that teaching job but can't get it.

People don't go hungry in the U.S. But their college money runs out. Their fridges look scantier. They don't take vacations as much, and they feel a lingering fear, a gripping and tiring tightness in the back of their minds. We act like the economic crisis is over, but I'm only starting to feel the consequences.

The reason why smart people tend to end up more successful is because they know better. Because the theory of evolution and...what was it called? Natural tendencies? People fit certain niches. There are people who were MEANT to be doctors, people meant to be rich- people meant to be poor, to be farmers or laborers for their entire lives.

There are exceptions of course.

But it's late so I'll get to the point.

Right now, having worked my ass off, all I've gotten is being laughed in the face by several people and no job offers whatsoever. I didn't get what I wanted. So I choose another plan. I think of other ideas. Right now I want out, because the program is costing me more than I'm willing to give.

I was never sure about graduate school for English. But I don't want to switch gears into Anthropology, and I've avoided admitting to Business/Econ so far so why not continue? The law school ship is slowly sailing away in the far distance, and the medical ship is but a mere speck on the horizon.

What does it take to make me happy?

Being busy, feeling in control, eating pretty well, having people around me, and enjoying a good mix of friends and peaceful solitary reflection.

I would love to save the world.

But I'm pretty sure I can't.

What I want to do right now, is drop out of Claremont, and then go on the Oxford program in the spring. Then I'll go to NYU, or BU, or Washington University or some school in a lushly urban place, immerse myself in literature and intellectual challenge again, and spend 4 -5 years enjoying the graduate life. By the time i'm 28 or 29, I will have a p.h.D. and be teaching in a school somewhere. Throughout my life, I will continue to teach and I will continue to progress- I'll develop a proper non profit someday, like a literacy program or some kind of organization that benefits a community high in need. Somewhere in there, I'll fall in love, and build a family with someone wonderful.

You know what I've realized?

I never really understood a lot of the things I wanted. I wanted recognition, and "true love", and a 1950's family. But now....I see that I was chasing phantoms. I never knew how much hard work these things took, or how badly they could turn out.

What do I want still?

I want friends. I want a change of scenery, and I want to really start my life- REALLY start living, sans drama, sans pcc shit, sans all of the bullshit I'm mired in right now. I was weak, and broken, and I fell into teaching. Maybe it's time I really stood up, walked out t he door, an d started living life again.

Maybe.