sometimes you get the feeling that you want to hold onto the threads of the past. so for no good reason, you look back and grasp onto things- twitter, blogs, even an old dusty picture or something as lowly as facebook stalking- just so you could feel that faint pulse of an old connection to someone.

i'm lonely.

and that's when bad things tend to happen, because i make bad decisions- slowly or quickly- and sooner or later it becomes a clusterf*k of drama and hurt feelings. So at least this time, lol, I know to be good. I know what I have to do. I know that this new obsession with food, and pleasure in soft blankets and hot showers is my sensual catharsis at lack of ahem for a very long time.

but is it really a bad thing?

i know myself better than before. much better. i can draw myself back from depression, unless it's really bad.

i guess what i realized today is that i've been punishing myself, feeling glum and gloomy because my plans didn't work out. which is a rarity, and even more so depressing.

but then i thought...why should i be sad? can't be i be done with my masochistic tendencies and try to enjoy this time? although living on my own was enjoyable, here....the fridge is always stocked to bursting. and as unrelatable as mom is, she's always loving and supportive no matter how grouchy or awful i am. in fact, i can't remember the last time she snapped at me- even if i've been taking out my frustration on her for days.

i know my tone is a little mad men, but i guess....

i grasp at strings. i want to remember, and strangely honor the saga that i endured....because he was one of the people who didn't necessarily know me completely, but who i wrote on my list of people closest to my heart. so it's worth remembering. it's worth digging up dusty paragraphs and internet stalking because i need to remember that it happened- that it was important to me, that it was awful, but it doesn't really matter if it was awful or un-awful it just matters that it happens.

i need to know that i've lived.

because sometimes, when life is full of gray and failure i need to remember that i have a past and i'm still in motion, moving forward.