One of these days

Dear ____,

I suppose here, in the safety of internet anonymity and late night melodrama, I can tell you how I really feel.

Lol I wonder if anyone reads this. If some lucky bastard gets to peer right into my heart and, unlike everyone in this world- my sister and my mother included- really see my heart.

Anyway.

The truth is, I'm trying this new thing called Letting go of Things. Before, because of pride, stubbornnes, and a number of other stupid things, I didn't even consider such a thing...but during the last few things, when "a lot of people let me down, even i let myself down" I realized that sometimes letting go is the only way that I can get through the day.

So I let go of a lot of things. I walked away, quite literally and somewhat forcibly, from the worst and first relationship of my life. I walked away, rather bitchily but justifiably, from one of the longest and most turbulent relationships in my life.

Unfortunately, this Turbulent Boy is the core of a group of my friends so I'm scared that I'll lose them too. But I don't think he's enough of a bitch to ruin it all for me, and I'd say that most of them are keener on staying in my good graces than in his.

Anyway all this is beside the point.

__. Lol what a retarded thing to call you.

I am no longer naive, or infatuated, or regretful enough to call you the love my life...you were never really mine. But I miss you. When I have yet another fallout with my sister, when I have a day where it's impossible to breathe, I think of you.

I think about how you seem to be happy now, with someone else, and how you're literally thousands of miles away. I think about how, aside from that embarrassing post break up infatuation, you probably have no idea how i really feel.

Worst of all, I think about how I was before, with you. I evilly relished being able to get you to do things for me with a single glance, or a single motion. It was that way with a lot of boys, to be honest, because all they saw was a pretty Asian Girl when they looked at me and that wielded me enough power to have plenty of fun, ego stroking, manipulating power.

But now I just feel guilty.

I feel stupid.

I feel regretful, which is saying something, because I try very hard not to regret anything these days.

And I absolutely HATE that our story is kind of suspended, and lingering. I can't tell if we're falling down into nothing, or if we're just hanging there, poised for a second chance- at friendship? at something more?

To be completely blunt, I think I'm just creating drama for myself because I'm so bored and so lonely.

Well. Bottom line...I miss you. I'm so sorry if I was ever bitchy or manipulative, or "cute girl that gets to use you" because I honestly, sincerely, NEVER meant to be. I don't even know if we're supposed to be friends, or more than friends...all that I know is that I want you in my life, and I want you there for the rest of my life and the rest of yours. I want to be able to sit down to lunch with you, twenty years from now, and have a moment of pure gratitude no matter how wrinkly or unsuccessful or smelly we are....when we're....41? i want to be able to look up and smile, and be grateful that we're still in each others' lives.

that's what i want.